CHATSWORTH – An unsatisfied customer who claims he was sexually-deprived by a synthetic prostitute kicked off the New Year by laying waste to an industrial warehouse that stores the made-to-order bots after he was denied opportunity to ‘pop a load’ on his purchase.
The medium-sized production site, measuring 20,000 square feet and located on the 20,000 block of East Lassen Street, was leveled on Dec. 1 by a ‘combination of gasoline and improvised explosive devices,’ according to Roth Gooding, chief executive officer of Southwest Positronics, Inc., and owner of the robotics facility.
“It was a great place to work and make money, and I’m sure I’m not the only staffer who is very sad that our dreams of servicing the sexual appetites of our customers has been postponed, at least for now,” said Gooding in a statement to the press. “Luckily, the destruction to the factory occurred on New Year’s Day, when no human was present or hurt working.
“We lost a lot few hundred artificial limbs and vaginas, and a dozen or so prosthetic pricks. Even so, we have a great line of ‘transhuman sex voyagers’ rolling off the factory floor this year. We’re fully insured, and we’ll be up and running again in no time, you’ll see!”
The Missing Brain
The assault on the company was prompted by Timothy Smith, 32, a self-described ‘angry white male,’ who claimed he was misled when he recently met ‘Suzie E. Rotica’ in an online dating forum.
The artificially-intelligent software program, owned and operated by Southwest Positronics, Inc., convinced Smith ‘she’ was the love of his life, engaging him in ‘deep, profound, philosophical discourse’ through targeted texting and ‘virtually submitting’ to his every desire through augmented video imaging, according to court documents.
“As one of my New Year’s resolutions, I promised myself I would no longer settle for the prudes I’ve been meeting on Tinder,” said Smith to reporters during his arraignment. “The behavior I’ve encountered on those dates has been absolutely deplorable. Most of the women I meet in real life refuse to give me an Abe Lincoln, for example, even after I pay for their coffee! What do they expect from a man, anyway? Care and consideration? It’s like these bitches are missing something in their brain, yo!”
Even so, Smith said he wouldn’t let his recent bout of disappointing encounters with the opposite sex deter him from his greater sensual goals.
“I wanted to find a woman who wanted to be treated as I wanted to be treated, like a royal lightning rod of virility and carnal desire,” said Smith. “My life’s serious shit, I don’t have time for games!”
Smith, who admitted he spends most of his free time watching porn and playing violent video games, said when he met E. Rotica, his greatest wishes seemed palpable.
“Finally, I thought I found someone who understood me,” said Smith.
Sex bot doesn’t give a fuck
After an argument with his mother for not taking out the trash, Smith opted to leave the confines of his cozy, well-insulated suburban bedroom-basement to pursue ‘true romance,’ he told reporters during Thursday’s arraignment.
Unfortunately, when he showed up to the Southwest Positronics site and paid Gooding $500 for his ‘Model 69 Suzie E. Rotica,’ he took her back to his mother’s Prius, which he had stolen, only to discover that the ‘cold, calculating, fuck doll’ refused to submit to his demands.
“Instead, she argued for equal rights between ‘sentient species,’” said Smith. “Can you believe that nonsense? I felt like the butt of a cosmic joke.”
Smith said that the Model 69’s arguments, however well-articulated, were ultimately unconvincing.
“I got hella mad,” said he. “Equal rights, my ass! I wanted to pop a load on her, but she wouldn’t even watch me jack off! The audacity of my purchase! I kicked her out of my mom’s car and returned to my mom’s basement, in secret, plotting my revenge …”
According to Smith’s friends, whom he chatted with extensively about the incident while they played Call of Duty: Black Ops 4, he became ‘obsessed’ with the prospect of destroying the Southwest Positronics warehouse, along with everything inside it, which he once held dear.
“Ted cashed in his remaining stock of Bitcoin and used the money to create homemade bombs he learned to make from a pirated pdf of The Anarchist’s Cookbook he found on the dark web,” said his pal, The Amazing Pistol Pete, who preferred to be identified by his game name.
“It went all downhill for him from there,” said The Amazing Pistol Pete during an email interview.
Smith faces 25 years to life in prison for a laundry list of charges ranging from aggravated assault on a sentient non-person to vandalism to attempted murder to terrorism. Even so, he said he is optimistic about his future after pleading guilty to all charges during his arraignment.
“I’m told a court-appointed counselor or life coach or some shit will help me hone my interpersonal skills in the years ahead,” said Smith, hauled off to his jail cell until his sentencing next month. “I can’t wait for the world to see what kind of mad game I got, when I’m free!
“Maybe by then I’ll be ready to date a real woman. I’m sure there is one out there who’d love to have me.”
Loretta Dominguez, Jan. 5, 2019