WASHINGTON – The ongoing political gridlock here might finally ease, thanks to a new law that allows legislators to settle their differences using fists, not words.
The Senate approved a measure (80-20) on Tuesday that authorizes members of Congress to beat each other to resolve conflicts in order to facilitate the decision-making process in Washington.
Under the new ‘Boxing Bill,’ as the law is commonly known, Congressional candidates must declare their stance on various public issues before they obtain office. Once elected, they must maintain their position for the duration of their term.
Instead of debating proposed laws, Congressional leaders will fight their political opponents in a boxing ring to be installed in the Chambers of the Senate and House of Representatives. Winners of these televised matches, judged by a panel of Congressional colleagues, will be declared winner of the debate and determine the fate of the proposed legislation.
For the past several years there has been major stalemate in Washington on key political issues regarding the federal budget, health care and immigration reform. Likewise, many Americans are beginning to question the viability of their government, a problem the Boxing Bill hopes to address.
“The days of political theater in this country have come to an end,” said Republican Senator Bobby Quade, co-author of the bill. “What Americans want, Americans get, and that’s real show business, no more of this high school drama queen stuff! The Boxing Bill will restore faith and confidence in the U.S. government, and who knows? Maybe it will make politics exciting again.”
Those who voted against the bill cited the likelihood it will contribute to un-democratic values as their primary reason for doing so.
“Sure, the Boxing Bill will settle a lot of disputes currently hanging over Congress and the American people, but at what cost?” said Democratic Senator Laura McGee. “If all we ask of our leaders is that they act like transparent thugs, and if our most venerable institutions are allowed to become beer-soaked gladiator halls, how much better will American society really be?”
Those who voted in favor of the bill cited the likelihood it will reduce bureaucratic bungling as their primary reason for doing so.
“Think about the thousands of military lives lost and billions of tax dollars spent during the 2003 invasion of Iraq,” said Democratic Senator Denise Graham, who co-authored the bill with Sen. Quade. “If the Boxing Bill were in place then, one dissenter in Congress alone could have saved this country precious blood and treasure with a simple side-step or a one-two punch. To me the message this law is sending is clear … if our leaders aren’t willing to fight for what they believe in, why should any of us be asked to fight for what they believe in?”
Jimmy Jones, Oct. 24, 2018