WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump declared his hopes today of transforming Earth into an inhospitable wasteland to trigger an economic boom that will migrate life of the home planet of humans to other worlds.
The announcement came Friday at a press conference after the Administration’s recent acknowledgement that, if unmitigated, Earth’s temperature will increase by seven degrees Fahrenheit by the year 2100.
Prior to the acknowledgement, the Administration denied that climate change from human activity is a threat to U.S. interests.
“I’ve worked very hard during my first term in office pretending global warming was a crackpot left-wing conspiracy and steamrolling environmental regulations – all for a grand purpose – to hasten the destruction of our world,” said the President.
”Thanks in part to these efforts, I am proud to confirm that our planet is indeed and irrevocably dying, presenting a unique and incredible business opportunity to colonize our solar system.”
The President laid out details of his master plan, called ‘Terra Incognito,’ during the press conference. The two-page report, created by public and private partnerships, calls for a ‘new era in American leadership’ that will ensure ‘human life and ingenuity thrives on other planets … even after failing on our own.’
The President’s plan includes:
- Sending an eccentric Japanese billionaire and his retinue of artists to outer space to capture visions of the moon and share them with humankind to inspire a new ‘solar economy’ based on tourism and interplanetary colonization.
- Terraforming Mars into a resort.
- Creating a fleet of floating cities that will settle rich Americans, or anyone else who can afford the ticket, on distant worlds.
- Utilizing the proposed Space Force to defend American tourists/pioneers from all foes – ‘foreign, domestic and extraterrestrial.’
- Setting up a mining facility on Jupiter’s moon, Europa, to extract ‘Kyber crystals‘ to manufacture ‘lightsabers, Death Stars, and engines capable of faster than light travel … subsidizing America’s future intergalactic business ventures.’
“Once we accept the fact that Earth is a lost cause,” said the President at the end of the press conference, “the stars are the limit what we might accomplish in the cosmos.
“My fellow Americans, I look forward to you joining me on this fabulous journey.”
Jamie Smith, Sept. 26, 2018
Categories: Environment & Health