PITTSBURGH – After an extreme dieter ran over several overweight pedestrians this week, members of this shocked community wondered if there were any connection between the victims, besides obesity.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” said Tina Ward, 35, a dog walker who witnessed part of the killing spree that authorities said left at least seven people dead across the city. “How could someone be such an insensitive asshole? A lot of people have body issues, and fat shaming is just rude.”

According to Ward, she had no reason to believe that Tuesday, when the road rage incident she watched took place, would be any different from other days she has enjoyed this summer.

“I was taking a client’s Pekinese on our usual flower-sniffing tour around the neighborhood when I noticed a lady in a black BMW make a U-turn at the corner and barrel toward a heavy-set woman carrying a box of donuts,” said Ward. “The driver plowed over the woman, sending apple fritters and long johns everywhere, and continued in her vehicle past me, applying make-up and admiring her face in the rearview mirror without acknowledging the headless corpse left in her path, or the blood and guts smeared over the pavement as she sped down the street.”

As police continued to investigate details of this week’s assaults, including a motive, Detective Chuck Lansdale said the apprehended suspect, who referred to herself as ‘Karen,’ may have been fueled in part by a recent 100-pound weight loss regimen that induced a state of temporary insanity in her nutrient-starved brain.

“We know little about Karen at this time except that she works in advertising, has terrible taste in music, likes to pick fights with managers at local retailers, and her main source of sustenance for the past six months has been skinny vanilla lattes,” said Lansdale. “Oh, yeah, and she’s a psychopath with serious entitlement issues.”

Editor’s Note: For more information on this developing news story, read Lucy Leitner’s exposé on Karen and the events that brought the depraved motorist to justice.

Jack Hilton, June 15, 2021

Categories: News of the Weird

Tags: #entitlement, #featuredtag, #horror, #karen, #leitner, #lucy, #ryanhyatt, #satire, #thelalalander, featuredtag