The Parlor Tricks of Civilization as Relayed by a Mad Clerk in a Soda Shop

Listen up, ya hopefuls,

have I a mouthful to chew.

Find yourselves mistaken, once? Twice?

Well, consider this, too …

If your tongue is black for candy,

if it lashes out for reasons

hunger can’t explain,

pay attention greedily

my words the spoon-fed truth:

To satisfy your curiosity

of the parlor-dark display…

First, for the ladies, we have

a bowl of sugared hearts,

cuz what we sell

at this here fountain is

yesterday’s sweetness,

give or take a farce.

Perhaps your female palette is a little more refined?

Blood doesn’t fill your guts,

or simply won’t suffice?

Try instead our fat jawbreakers,

Ours’ll crack ya best,

coated on the outside

but within a bit tart,

suck on ‘em day and night

‘til in death you finally part…

For the lads at the counter,

you’ll love our room o’ treats,

our licorice is the meanest and most,

you can tear it with your teeth,

or simply do like womenfolk

and shove it down your throats;

a handful is no problem,

all you need but ask,

just be sure to mop up

what you throw up,

cuz your destruction to us

is worth a fuss,


It’s all a matter of handouts

here at the soda shop:

Let us, the ones in conical hats,

guide your inner cravings,

we’ll start with a helpful saying;

“Happy? No? Even so, how about

a milk moustache for the ladies and gents?”

As you gaze at our display of wondrous delights,

just think, there’s no pile of chocolate,

or crap, you aren’t qualified to try,

nor should you bother asking

if we’re ever in short supply.

There’s no limit on sampling

our dirty morsels or key lime pies,

or a prohibition against

overdosing on banana splits,

cuz devouring dreams

is a profitable biz,

and you know as well as I,

your addictions aren’t light.

Remember, this has been our motto

since the earliest of times:

“Come on down to the soda shop,

where we sure do fuck ya right!”

Ryan Hyatt

Categories: Environment & Health

Tags: , , , , , , ,

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