AYERS ROCK, AUS – This vast island continent, which endured devastating wildfires from 2019 to 2020 that burned more than 10 million hectares of land and killed over a billion animals, is set to participate in a United Nations’ program to clean Earth’s atmosphere and positively impact all life on the planet for generations to come.
The world’s largest carbon-capturing facility is scheduled to open in 2022 and begin stabilizing the climate, according to representatives involved with the project. The two-mile high structure, with a mile-wide wind tunnel, resembles a giant Snoopy Snow-Cone Machine and is designed to sift carbon from the air and use sea water pumped from the Pacific Ocean to produce a ‘translucent biomass’ that will store greenhouse gases in a pile of ever-growing chunks in the Australian Outback.
“We will meet the challenge of global warming with the optimism of children selling shaved ice on a summer day,” explained James Artemis, U.N. director of THE WORLD’S GOING TO HELL, program responsible for organizing the public-private partnership, to a throng of news reporters and local families during a groundbreaking ceremony. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for humanity to do right at a time which, despite our potential to accomplish so much good, we still manage to fuck things up.”
The facility, Comeback Station, is to be the first of several such facilities erected around the world to absorb greenhouse gases warming the atmosphere and pack them into ‘fun shards of fake ice’ that will help cool the planet.
Future sites for the giant Snoopy Snow-Cone Machine include Omaha, Nebraska; Minsk, Belarus; Petrolina, Brazil; and Jabulpur, India. A carbon tax imposed on fossil-fuel producing companies is planned to offset the cost to create each $15 billion structure, likely to be passed onto consumers, with a 30-percent profit guaranteed to organizations involved in engineering and maintaining the facilities.
Supporters of the program said the agreement has caused a shift in the public’s attitude about climate-change management.
“We filled the tanks of our cars and our tanks for a hundred years without complaints, so I guess we can pay a little extra to keep enjoying a carefree lifestyle,” said Mark Jacoby, local resident who attended the event. “But I wonder, mate. If we’ve been as bad to the environment as they say, why has it taken so long to turn things around?”
With a dramatic increase in recent years of global droughts, fires, floods, hurricanes, pollution, population destabilization, and the imminent extinction of thousands of species, critics of THE WORLD’S GOING TO HELL argued that national governments and the private sector are still not doing enough to combat climate change and the desecration of the world.
“We’re basically putting a bandage on an out-of-control problem,” said Elida Deckhard, another local resident. “All of these snow-cone machines won’t make a lick of a difference if we don’t re-approach our lifestyle. The key is to live smarter, not just doing what we’ve always done and hope monstrosities like this eyesore save us.”
Despite doubts that the new program will be effective in curbing greenhouse gases, Artemis said his carbon-capturing method is likely to be the first of many efforts to orient society toward better economic practices and greener technology.
At one point during his speech, Deckhard’s 4-year-old daughter dashed toward a pile of the biomass and attempted to shove a piece into her mouth.
She was stopped by armed security guards.
“You don’t want a scoop of that, dear,” said Artemis. “It’ll make your tummy grumble until it explodes.”
He gazed back at the crowd.
“Still, which would you prefer?” he asked. “Pleasant weather with an occasional over-sized Snoopy Snow-Cone Machine obstructing your view — or a planet increasingly filled with billions of hot, bothered, and pissed-off people?”
Categories: Environment & Health