SAUSALITO – The extinction of the species Homo Sapiens on Earth and its replacement with a world inhabited by mindless monsters will be postponed for another year, thanks to one scientist’s restored confidence in people.
Cornelius Drake, 49, chief executive officer of the biotech firm Fearme Labs, said he has developed an airborne virus which, when inhaled, promises to transform human beings into ‘stupid bipedal creatures’ that ‘laugh at dumb jokes’ and ‘repeatedly bump into things,’ ushering the end of modern man and rise of a ‘zombie apocalypse.’
Drake said the virus is safely kept in a belowground vault that only he can access. The middle-aged scientist-turned-business man, who once won a Harvey Prize for his achievements, said he felt ‘glum’ about recent public and private events leading up to his birthday on Friday, August 26, and so he decided to assess the worthiness of the human race by scrolling through his social media news feed on his tablet as he rode his stationary bicycle in the gym of his spacious seaside mansion, to determine whether or not he should spare Homo Sapiens.
“On my big day — which turned out to be a big day for all of us — I weighed the world’s good and bad news, the horrible atrocities that make your heart sink along with the heartwarming stories that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside,” said Drake, a divorcee with no children whose primary companion is a cloned Cocker Spaniel named ‘Sparky’ that he purchased for $100,000 through a rival biotech firm Sooam, to replace the dog of the same name his wife was granted in their divorce.
“So, I examined the state of the planet through my device as I spun my wheels on my bike, and I was torn between ending life for all of us as we know it or giving us another chance to make the world right,” said Drake. “Basically, the fate of the human race hinged on how I felt after skimming the news and finishing a 45-minute workout.”
While Drake said he was devastated by a photograph he saw of a shell-shocked Aleppo boy who sat in an ambulance after surviving an air strike, he was reassured that the future for Homo Sapiens might still be promising as he continued to scroll his tablet and saw a video for National Dog Day that showed canines being funny.
The dog video was so moving to Drake that he decided to spare the human race, at least for another year.
“Obviously, a world filled with people who care so much about their pets must be worth saving,” said Drake, who said he will reexamine the planet’s state of affairs on his next birthday, August 26, 2018, when he will turn 50. “We’ll see what sorts of news is happening then. Hopefully there’ll be fewer bombings and more furballs.
“I would hate to have to see our species devolve further.”
Dale Stewart, Aug. 28, 2017
Categories: Environment & Health