CENTURY CITY – A company that specializes in particle physics announced this week that it has created a device that sends troublesome people on a permanent vacation to another dimension to live out the rest of their unpleasant lives, never to be heard from users again.
Representatives from Cryoband, Inc., said that their much-anticipated Little Black Dot – about the size and shape of a penny – can be tossed onto individuals and teleport them on a one-way trip to an alternate reality for whom nothing else changes, except that the user remains behind, joined to this plane of existence.
“It’s a great way to get rid of jerks, idiots and other unsavory folk,” said Jewles Dougherty, a 35-year-old software engineer who said he used his Little Black Dot to manage a recent road rage incident.
“I was stopped at a traffic light Sunday morning on Wilshire Boulevard, and two dudes in do-rags driving a tricked out Mazda Miata pulled up next to me,” said Dougherty. “They were blasting some god-awful shit that made my teeth rattle. I opened my Shazam app and stuck my phone out the window. Turns out they were playing ‘Boogie Woogie Wu‘ by The Insane Clown Posse. I asked them to turn it down, they asked me why. I explained to them because I was hungover as hell and heading out for donuts and their music sucked.
“They flipped me off and cranked the volume louder.”
Dougherty said there was once a time when such a cold callous response from a bunch of assholes would have prompted him to shrug his shoulders, roll up his window, wait for the light to turn green — and then press the accelerator, pull in front of their car, and proceed to move agonizingly slow and swerve to and fro so it became extremely difficult to pass him.
However, those days of letting angst beget further angst were finished, he claimed, because of his Little Black Dot.
“’It’s their world, and I just live in it,’” said Dougherty. “Thanks to the hard-working physicists at Cryoband, this old adage is no longer the case.”
Dougherty said he smiled at the two men after they flipped him off, and then he tossed his Little Black Dot out the window and at their car.
“Soon they and their crappy Mazda Miata swirled into an inter-dimensional portal,” said Dougherty. “They had this anxious look on their faces as they slipped into their new reality, so I waved goodbye and assured them they were going to a better place – that is, a world without me — while I remained in this world and didn’t have to put up with anymore of their bullshit.
“’If that’s not a win-win situation, I’m not sure what is!’ I hollered at them as they disappeared.”
Amy Zucker, a psychologist at the University of California Los Angeles, said that the Little Black Dot seemed to offer users a form of instant gratification that has taken ‘wishful thinking’ to a new level of ‘wishful action.’
However, she warned that the wholesale transfer of annoying people from this Universe to other ones could have undesirable consequences.
“Do loved ones know their annoying family member or friend has been zapped to another plane of existence, let alone which, or who sent him or her there?” said Zucker. “How do the cosmic connections of other people play into this multiverse game Cryoband created?”
To correct any moral lapses associated with the Little Black Dot, Cryoband representatives said they were experimenting with a new model of their device, one that would allow users to avoid foes by shifting realities by tossing the device onto him or herself.
“Even so, the same rules of connectivity seem likely to apply,” said Zucker, “only this time it would be the user’s family and friends that remain in this Universe and miss their loved one who vanished to the next.”
Considering the potential moral paradoxes associated with the Little Black Dot, Zucker suggested people work harder to tolerate one another in this world for now.
“Clearly, if anything, Cryoband’s devices show us that we are more connected than we are separated,” said Zucker. “I suggest next time motorists pull up next to Mr. Dougherty at a traffic light and blast The Insane Clown Posse’s ‘Woogie Boogie Wu,’ he try cranking up Cypress Hill’s ‘Insane in the Brain,’ an equally profound tune, and see what happens.
“Maybe Mr. Dougherty and the two dudes in do-rags become friends, not foes.”
Charlie Chang, August 8, 2018
Categories: Science & Technology