‘Bizdic’ helps new employees navigate ‘cold, hostile, unintelligible’ work environment

DOWNTOWN – A new app that translates the often obfuscating jargon used in the business world has shown promise of making new careers at large corporations more manageable for recruits, who often report being overwhelmed by the ‘asinine terminology’ used by their superiors during their first years on the job, according to recent research.

An experiment concluded last month on a group of new hires for a major American company indicated that Bizdic, short for ‘business dictionary,’ a language reference guide downloaded onto the employees’ phones their first day of work, helped them achieve ‘remarkable assimilation’ into the corporate culture within weeks on the job.

The findings differ considerably from recruits for whom it has taken months, sometimes years to adapt to their work environment without the app, according to the experiments results, and such troubled employees often are reported to still be ‘trying to figure out what the hell is going on around here.’

The company, EnergyWiz, has a history of high turnover due to worker dissatisfaction, and so after the organization won a recent bid to provide the solar panels on President Trump’s wall being built along the United States and Mexico border, representatives decided to conduct the experiment in an effort to determine ways to maintain an adequate workforce in time to complete the project.

“Our new employees report being very satisfied every time they’ve seen Bizdic in action, so we think this tool offers the kind of straightforward language and clarity of purpose they have been longing to experience within our workplace,” said Rebecca LeTreaux, a spokesperson for EnergyWiz. “We know the world is watching how we do, too, and so we’ve used Bizdic to put the kibosh on corporate speak, allowing our recruits to walk proudly and erectly through our halls, with a new understanding of what is expected when they come here.”

Corporate employees, such as those depicted here, will be more productive and less confused if they can use the translation app Bizdic while on the clock, according to experts.

Charlie Horne, a 25-year-old chemical engineer, said he used Bizdic during a recent project meeting that helped highlight for him the scope of his job.

“I pressed the app button, pointed my phone at my boss, and recorded his remarks,” said Horne, who played for the reporter both the untranslated and translated message.

“All aces in their places, leveraging core competencies! Don’t be acluistic and bother me while I’m actioning my deliverables!” said Horne’s boss during the untranslated video, gesticulating wildly at a group of uncomprehending underlings.

“That statement,” said Horne, as he pressed another button on his phone, “roughly translates to … ‘Everyone run to your station and use your talents and skills to occupy yourself meaningfully and without looking at me cluelessly while I try to meet a deadline.”

“In other words, my boss was trying to tell us to shut up and mind our own business while his ass is on the line and panties in a bunch, but I wish he would have just said that instead of being so confusing about what he meant,” said Horne. “I got no problem being paid to fluff off on the clock and surf the net. Just say so.”

Although most of the experiment’s results show that Bizdic has helped new employees at EnergyWiz better navigate their work environment, not all recruits are satisfied with the language being used in their workplace or the app to translate it.

“It’s not just the corporate speak that’s the problem here, it’s the macho mentality that pervades the tech business,” said Erica Hernandez, a 24-year-old mechanical engineer who works with the special applications unit of EnergyWiz, a department dominated by males. “Most of the guys around here are nice to me, maybe because they’re afraid of having a sexual harassment case slapped on them, maybe because they’re just decent human beings. But there are some around here who are just rude, crude and chauvinistic. Rarely are these types an asshole to my face — usually they just snicker behind my back — but it does happen. The other day a co-worker had the balls to invite me out for a ‘squirt’ after work. ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean,’ I asked? ‘Let’s go out for a soft drink?’

“That little bitch shrugged and ran away,” said Hernandez. “I checked Bizdic, curious what it would say, and there was no translation for a word like that. I was surprised, but should I be? After all, what kind of a name for an app is ‘Bizdic,’ anyway?

“It’s the twenty-first century, guys. I’m in your department. I have a vagina. Maybe it’s time all of us start talking like it.”

Martin Vandenburg, August 20, 2020

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