LOS ANGELES – An entrepreneur striving to resolve human-caused climate change — while making sure minimal sacrifice is required to human way of life – announced this week that his lab has manufactured the first carbon dioxide eating dermis, which he hopes will replace human skin and allow Earthlings to save the environment — and themselves — from the perils of global warming.
Chlorophyll skin, claims developer Shingh Montazuri, can be directly fused into human DNA, so that within a few years babies may be born with a green covering that helps them fuel themselves throughout life and combat climate change.
That’s because chlorophyll skin would use sunlight to produce sugars that help energize people’s bodies while creating oxygen for themselves and other lifeforms on the planet through a chemical reaction with carbon dioxide — a byproduct of burning fossil fuels heating the Earth, according to most scientists.
According to Montazuri’s calculations, if every person had such a covering, it would reduce people’s carbon footprint and eliminate the worst effects of global warming.
“Thanks to chlorophyll skin, the kind of manageable compromises that should have once been made between the world’s vying economic and environmental interests are no longer necessary to address our people’s and planet’s most pressing needs,” said Montazuri during a press conference Saturday. “Why bother with encouraging alternative energy, curbing population growth, or better regulating the food supply? Burn that gas, raze those forests, and eat all of the steak you want … and then treat you and your loved ones on a cruise through the plastic wasteland floating in middle of the Pacific Ocean … thanks to my lab creation, soon all of us will be in a better place.”
Montazuri explained to reporters that most efforts to deal with the environmental crisis have been ineffective so far.
“Why put the burden of saving the world on a few well-meaning vegans?” Montazuri said. “Surely, they can’t do it alone. Saving the world must be a collective effort. Your and everyone else’s green skin will counteract the negative impacts of an incompetent government, unchecked coporatocracy, unfettered consumer lifestyle and unbridled individualistic impulses … and who knows? With everyone having the same skin tone, we even might improve race relations.”
While many reporters at the press conference expressed a mixture of excitement and wonder with the announcement, some voiced doubts about a planet unified by leaf-colored Homo sapiens.
“Is there not a less drastic approach we might take, which would achieve the same results, without turning all of us into the ‘little green men’ from Mars popularized in science fiction?” said Jeremy Frieze, a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. “I like green grass, I like green trees – I even like green beer on St. Patty’s Day — but I’m having a hard time embracing the idea of green people.”
“You’ll get used to it,” said Montazuri. “You’ll have to. Because the alternative — using our brains and words to work together in a spirit of responsible compromise to solve our problems is proving too difficult for our species to handle. Basically, we suck.”
Montazuri hopes to create his first batch of green children by offering to paying the costs for women seeking in vitro fertilization on the condition that he can add chlorophyll skin to the DNA of their eggs.
“I’m expecting a great turnout,” said he. “People are eager to solve the problems our leaders appear too immature to take seriously.”
Jeremy Frieze, July 25, 2019
Categories: Environment & Health