According to developers, chlorophyll skin will make people look green, keep the market economy growing, and cool the planet. Photo by Darbe Rotach.

LOS ANGELES – An entrepreneur striving to resolve human-caused climate change, while ensuring minimal sacrifice is required to the human way of life, announced this week that his lab has manufactured the first carbon dioxide eating dermis, which he hopes will replace human skin and allow Earthlings to save the environment, and themselves, from the gravest perils of global warming.

Chlorophyll skin, claims developer Shingh Montazuri, can be directly fused into human DNA so babies will be born with a green covering that helps them fuel themselves throughout life and combat climate change.

That’s because chlorophyll skin would use sunlight to produce sugars that help energize people’s bodies as well as create oxygen for themselves and other lifeforms through a chemical reaction called photosynthesis that consumes carbon dioxide, the byproduct of burning fossil fuels that is heating the Earth, according to scientists.

Based on Montazuri’s calculations, if every person had such a green covering, it would reduce people’s carbon footprint and eliminate the worst effects of global warming.

“Thanks to chlorophyll skin, the kind of compromises faced by the world’s competing economic and environmental interests are no longer necessary to address our most pressing needs,” said Montazuri during a press conference Saturday. “Why bother encouraging alternative energy, curbing population growth, or better regulating the food supply? Burn that gas, raze those forests, and eat all of the steak you want. Thanks to my lab creation, soon all of us will be in a better place.”

Montazuri explained to reporters that most efforts to deal with the environmental crisis have been ineffective so far.

“Why put the burden of saving the world on a few well-meaning vegans?” Montazuri said. “Surely, they can’t do it alone. Saving the world must be a collective effort. Yours and everyone else’s green skin will counteract the negative impacts of an incompetent government, unchecked coporatocracy, unfettered consumer lifestyle and unbridled individualistic impulses … and who knows? With everyone having the same leafy skin tone, we even might even improve race relations.”

Some people fear chlorophyll skin will make them resemble these figures from Toy Story.

While many reporters at the press conference expressed a mixture of excitement and wonder with the announcement, some voiced doubts about a planet unified by green-colored Homo sapiens.

“Is there not a less drastic approach we might take, which would achieve the same results, without turning us into the ‘little green men’ from Mars popularized in science fiction?” said Jeremy Frieze, a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. “I like green grass, I like green trees – I even like green beer on St. Patty’s Day — but I’m having a hard time embracing the idea of green people.”

“You’ll get used to it,” said Montazuri. “You’ll have to. Because the alternative, using our brains and words to work together in a spirit of responsible cooperation to address our planet’s challenges, is proving too difficult for our fragile species to handle. Basically, we suck.”

Montazuri hopes to create his first batch of green children by offering to pay the costs for women seeking in vitro fertilization on the condition his lab adds chlorophyll skin to the DNA of their eggs.

“I’m expecting a great turnout,” said Montazuri. “People are eager to solve those problems our leaders appear too immature to take seriously.”

Jeremy Frieze, July 25, 2019

Categories: Environment & Health

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