‘The Martians fooled us,’ astronomer says

TUCSON – Mars is an ideal world for human habitation, but the Martians are conspiring to keep this secret from Earthlings, according to one stargazer who claims to have done significant research on the Red Planet.

“For years, Martians have made every attempt to make it seem like their planet is a barren wasteland, when in fact it is a paradise they do not want humans to discover,” said Jack Hilton, 42, who as an undergraduate student studied in the astronomy program at the University of Arizona. “Only recently is the scope of this conspiracy starting to be revealed.”

There are two scientific rovers on the surface of Mars beaming signals to Earth, Opportunity of the Mars Exploration Rover mission, and Curiosity of the Mars Science Laboratory mission, and five other orbiters surveying the planet, including Mars Odyssey, Mars Express, Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, Mars Orbiter Mission, and MAVEN.

“All of them have been sending back false photos and messages indicating Mars is a lifeless desert, when nothing could be further from the truth,” said Hilton. “The Martians have seen what we have done to Earth, so they want to preserve their world by making sure we never want to colonize and ruin theirs.”

To accomplish their mission, Hilton said the Martians have manipulated human-made technological surveillance equipment, starting with the first probes the Soviet Union sent to the Red Planet in 1960, and continuing with each exploratory undertaking up to the present day.

In the past few years, scientists have interpreted some images as evidence Mars once had water flowing on its surface. If correct, this phenomena would have increased the likelihood there once was life on the planet, and that it likely consisted of microorganisms.

“These discoveries are a drop in the bucket when you look at the real history of Mars,” said Hilton. “The tiny amount of water the scientists detected has been the result of production malfunctions and lighting snafus that occurred as Martian work crews staged false landscapes of rock and sand formations in sight of satellite cameras and in reach of rover sensors … Mars is really a lush world, inhabited by a civilization thousands of years more advanced than Earth’s. They have lakes, waterfalls, spas — you name it, and they have managed to keep their planet’s richness to themselves, for now.”

The view we are more likely to see on Mars, according to one stargazer.

The view we are more likely to see on Mars, according to one stargazer.

According to Hilton, Martians look like man-size cloud vapors. He said he knows so much about Martians because he read Ray Bradbury’s The Martian Chronicles, and because the Martians began communicating with Hilton directly after he recently swallowed an Install pill, which embeds nanotechnology that allows users to engage directly with the Internet using their own brainwaves.

Apparently the Install pill also allows users to tap into more than cyberspace.

“Soon I was receiving wireless messages in my head from a URL address that was literally from out of this world,” said Hilton. “I began transmitting these messages onto an Etch-A-Sketch, for all of humanity to read.”

Hilton dropped out of the University of Arizona’s astronomy program in 1999 because he said he was not good enough at math.

“I majored in creative writing instead,” said Hilton, who now works as a delivery driver for Blackjack Pizza. “But, I still enjoy gazing out at Mars from my apartment balcony at night with my telescope, and imagine what is happening there.”

Theresa Thompson, Dec. 18, 2018

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