MOUNTAIN VIEW – Scientists claim to have detected radio signals sent from deep space that provide personal messages from a source that calls itself the ‘Creator of the Universe,’ raising long-held questions – and now maybe answers – about the existence of God and the meaning of life.
“We believe that we have been contacted by an all-powerful and all-knowing Supreme Being – the originator of the cosmos – and our staff is now working around the clock at our facilities around the world to validate the authenticity of this ‘God’ and Its claims,” said Danny Rodriguez, 54, a research director for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, the organization that first identified and interpreted the electro-radiation transmissions as they started to arrive a week ago.
“So far, reactions from our staff have been mixed, with some finding the messages they have heard to be enlightening, others entertaining, and a few disappointing. One scientist even described her initial conversation with the alleged Almighty as appalling.”
SETI’s sensitive equipment allows staff to pose questions and monitor answers from the signal since its discovery on Jan. 17, which they believe originates from an area in outer space thousands of light years beyond the star system Sirius, brightest in the night sky.
Trek Tipper, 32, assistant researcher with SETI at the Allen Telescope Array – a cluster of 42 dishes at the Hat Creek Radio Observatory in rural northern California — was the first human believed to be contacted by the supposed Supreme Being as Tipper contemplated what to eat for lunch last Wednesday.
“I thought to myself, ‘Will it be my frozen bean burrito — again, or should I drive to town and splurge on a fried chicken sandwich from Wendy’s?”
Feeling hangry, Tipper is reported to have said, “Oh, Lord, please help me decide.”
Tipper heard a response over the radio transmitter he was monitoring at the time.
“Well, Trek, eating healthier is one of your New Year’s resolutions,” said a voice that Tipper described as sounding to him both distant yet personal. “A bean burrito has the protein and nutrients you need, while a chicken fried sandwich from Wendy’s has some nutritional value and tastes awfully good — as you are well aware — but know that it would also contribute to your higher-than-normal cholesterol levels, as well as upset your already irritable bowels. Plus, you are trying to eat less meat in order to be able to honestly say you are a ‘vegetarian’ on your online dating profile, remember?
“I think we can both agree that one chicken fried sandwich from Wendy’s is a relatively harmless guilty pleasure. Still, do your conscience a favor and stick with the burrito, my suggestion.”
Tipper, astonished, is reported to have said, “Who the hell are you?”
“I am the Creator of the Universe, duh,” said the voice, “but to be true to your Jewish heritage, you can call me Yahweh.”
Representatives from SETI said they are developing an app that people around the world will be able to download for free, so that they, too, can tune into the same radio frequency as SETI and pose questions to the presumed Perfect One about the nature of reality or whatever else is on their minds.
“Soon anyone will be able to ask God a question, and God will respond loud and clear with an answer – mysteries of the universe solved,” said Rodriguez. “As long as we maintain this link and don’t destroy ourselves in some horrible environmental or nuclear calamity, God assures us It will be available to discuss any inquiries we have twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We will never be alone in the universe again.”
While some world leaders expressed concerns this week that the broadcasts from beyond Sirius might be fake, Rodriguez said such a scenario seemed to be less likely the case the more he and his team investigate the messages.
“At first we thought this was some kind of hoax or practical joke, maybe an alien life form playing a trick on us,” said Rodriguez. “Then, the ‘Creator of the Universe’ called us out for our second guessing. Based on what we’ve heard, the source of these transmissions seems to have direct access to our innermost thoughts from across space and time. I am having difficulty at this point scientifically explaining such a phenomenon as being anything but legitimate.
“I believe what we are experiencing is supernatural and god-like.”
A flood of inquiries have poured into SETI offices as people hope to tune into God’s podcast and learn the answers to their most pressing questions. Rodriguez said the requests have been noted.
“Once the app is up and running, I’ve been assured that any questions directed toward God will be answered in the order they are received,” he said.
Although this new technological development stands to bridge a long-standing rift between people of science and faith, not everyone is satisfied with the prospect that human beings soon will have instantaneous access to God to address their every curiosity.
“For millennia, the mysteries of the universe inspired human beings to elevate their consciousness through reflection and selflessness, virtues which brought them closer to Allah,” said Hakim al-Alawi, a notable Sufi mystic who lives in a village in Turkey. “I have never used an app to speak with God, and although I know the universe well enough to say anything is possible, I do feel that the clarity and ease of such a line of communication — without doubt or difficulty — might actually diminish the relationship between Creator and creation and undermine the meaning of life.
“Then again, I am only human, and I have been known to be wrong. I look forward to seeing what good people accomplish with their new-found insight.”
Angela Price, Jan. 24, 2018
Categories: News of the Weird
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