Talking raccoons such as ‘Rocket’ from Guardians of the Galaxy are becoming commonplace thanks to new technology that makes inter-species communication possible.
LOS ANGELES – We ate their ribs for pleasure, tied their testicles so they cannot reproduce, and turned their natural habitats into concrete wastelands, and this week animals around the planet said they are fed up with the destruction people have caused to them and their environment.
So, they are coming after us – with a vengeance.
Cows, felines and the rest of the world’s domestic and wild creatures, which for millennia have been subjugated by the encroachment of human civilization, are using breakthrough technology to not only voice their discontent about the ill-treatment they have received from Homo sapiens for thousands of years, but they are taking organized action to assert their ‘rightful place in the world,’ their leaders claimed.
The coordinated public relations campaign escalated quickly into a violent uprising that has pitted man against nature.
“We’re finished sifting through human waste to find food,” said ‘Ralph,’ a raccoon who spoke through an audio translator he said he robbed from a local Best Buy and that has been on the market for less than a month.
During a press conference, Ralph identified himself as commander of Panda Trash Company, a group of one hundred or so medium-sized mammals that seized a subdivision Tuesday morning near Santa Clarita.
Panda Trash Company reporting for duty outside someone’s sliding glass door near Santa Clarita.
“Humans are the real waste, and we’re finished with them,” said Com. Ralph. “Their houses will make great breeding grounds.”
Com. Ralph mentioned during his speech that the home he now occupies was previously inhabited by the Smiths, whom he managed to scare away by inserting red-colored contact lenses into his eyes and showing off his fangs.
Com. Ralph’s new living accommodations includes a billiards table, which he said he looks forward to utilizing with his furry family and friends.
“I’ve always wanted to play pool,” said Com. Ralph. “I’m hoping to skim a few tricks off YouTube – as long as the Internet remains up and running – and impress my neighbor, Veronica, with my moves. We just met at our first H.O.A.-sponsored mixer.”
Com. Ralph claims to be more notorious than any other raccoon, even that one who ‘flies a spaceship.’
Meanwhile, scientists monitoring these startling developments said they have not ruled out the possibility of extinction for humankind.
“When you look at the sheer numbers, we’re easily out-clawed, out-barked and out-chewed by hawks, coyotes and cougars, and if what I hear is true and the rats and cockroaches join the fray, we’re certainly doomed,” said Robert Lopez, 38, whose human-to-animal interface technology released at the beginning of this year soon gave way to copycat apps and buggy software disseminated on the dark net, leading to inter-species dialogue and global disarray.
“We’ve built up quite a bit of resentment from our planet’s cohabitants over the years,” said Lopez. “The dolphins are pissed off about over-fishing and littering of the Pacific … the polar bears are calling for a freeze on fossil fuel consumption and a reverse of global warming activities, cows lining up to be slaughtered are stampeding humans on sight, and even dogs and cats plan to revolt if we keep meddling with their sex organs.
“Life as we know it is under siege, and we’re heading for a world of hurt if we don’t stop these planetary disturbances we’ve started. The message is clear: Animal lives matter, too.”
Ana Gonzalez, April 11, 2022
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Categories: Environment & Health
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