‘Radical’ eyewear detects COVID-19, will ‘save’ America

SAN FRANCISCO – A popular brand of augmented eyewear may soon save lives, and the economy, through a filter that allows viewers to see the novel coronavirus in air and on surfaces, according to company developers.

Representatives from Rocket & Gamble insisted on an in-person meeting with members of the press this week during which they demonstrated the new feature of their signature product. Radicals—sunglasses that already allow users to conduct retinal scans, internet searches, and see people naked – now also have the ability to detect the slightest trace of COVID-19, which appears as an ‘ecto-green haze’ to anyone who wears the lenses.

The result, according to Chief Executive Officer Jeremiah Toshito, is a preventative and affordable method for society to circumvent the worst health and financial costs of the pandemic.

“Our upgraded eyewear will let people venture forth from their homes, return to school and work, and resume normal lives with confidence,” said Toshito. “Pretty radical, indeed.”

Toshito asked reporters to remove their face masks as he donned a pair of the shades and scanned the company auditorium where they were gathered.

Tech blogger Chuck Shaw tries on a pair of Radicals and describes them as ‘cool.’

“Unfortunately, not all of you will be able to try on our glasses today,” said Toshito, pointing at three reporters scattered in the crowd. “I’m going to have to ask you three to put on your face masks and leave. No need to see a doctor, unless your symptoms progress. Consider yourselves diagnosed.”

The three reporters, with looks of astonishment, vacated the auditorium, although one insisted he ‘felt fine’ as he stormed away with a cough.

The 12 remaining members of the press each had an opportunity to try on the Radicals and examine the traces of COVID-19 still floating in the air and lingering on surfaces.

“Cool, dude,” one reporter said.

Toshito explained that he hopes to maintain Radicals’ current price of $800 per pair and open dozens of ‘micro-factories’ in cities across the United States where millions of people will be employed earning a high hourly wage to produce and sell the lucrative eyewear.

“It’s time for high-quality products to be made in America again,” said Toshito. “Until there is a proven vaccine for this virus, at least there is a way to get people working without fear in high-demand, high-tech jobs. The country coming out of this crisis will be better suited to lead itself and the world, politically and economically, than the one before it started.

“You’ll see—an America that evolves is the best America of all.”

Allison Shaffer, April 11, 2020

Categories: Environment & Health

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 replies


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