HILL VALLEY – A man believed to regularly travel through time uses his unique temporal abilities to measure how little food he can consume and other ways to have as little impact on the past, present, and future as possible, according to witnesses.
“It’s really astonishing when you think about it,” said Jules Brown about his brother, Verne Brown, who often steals the family car, a time-hopping DeLorean invented by their father, Dr. Emmett Brown, to conduct repeated adventures through space-time. “Verne could have travelled to the future to see if there’s a cure for cancer, or he could have attended the coolest concerts in history, but so far he has only used Dad’s time machine to demonstrate that it’s possible for a human being to eat one jar of peanut butter over the course of a decade and live to tell the boring story to anyone who will listen.”
Recently, Jules Brown boasted on Twitter that he had been eating from the same jar of Jiffy for the past ten years. Reporters from The La-La Lander direct messaged him to find out more information, but Jules Brown refused to interview until they promised him a Pepsi in exchange for his compelling tale of cross-temporal travel.
Pepsi in hand, the reporters gathered to meet Jules Brown at a town overlook where he revealed the partially-eaten container of peanut butter that had provided him sustenance since Veteran’s Day Thursday, November 11, 2010.
“I was sitting here on the hood of the DeLorean, gazing down at the town parade, and I just figured out that I could keep sitting here and eating this same jar of peanut butter over and over again but, like, a few seconds earlier every time,” said Jules Brown, taking a swig of Pepsi. “And, you know, I realized I can do this indefinitely. I remember I had just seen the movie Rent, and I had heard that song about how many minutes make up a year—525,600! Well, I thought, if you multiply 525,600 by 60 and keep good records…” he held up a heavily used, peanut-butter stained notebook, “you can hit up the same jar 31 million times in 365 days. In other words, I figured out a way to obtain food…forever!”
At that point in the interview, Verne Brown arrived in a Beatle and accused his brother of faulty reasoning.
The time traveler gazed at his brother uneasily, and then he dismissed the question.
“I think the millions of jumps you’ve taken to this place in the past has warped your mind,” said Verne Brown. “Do you really think the energy required to take such trips outweigh the cost of an eternal free lunch?”
“Enough of this nonsense!” said Jules Brown, hopping into the DeLorean. “I have somewhere to be.”
“Where’s that?” said Verne Brown, angrily chasing his brother into the family time machine. “Here? Except ten years ago, maybe? I don’t know why you bother coming home from those silly trips anymore. You stopped living in the present a long time ago.”
That night, reporters from The La-La lander climbed a tree overlooking the Brown driveway and watched as Jules Brown, dressed in a Big-Bird yellow hazmat suit, wheeled the DeLorean out of the garage and inserted plutonium into a Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor on the car’s back hood.
Before the time traveler closed the car door, the reporters accosted him.
“Hey, your bother Verne was right!” said one. “You’re not saving money visiting the past, and what’s worse, you’re polluting the environment to keep this peanut butter operation of yours going!”
“I am, too, saving money!” said Jules Brown. “I take the same plutonium from Libyan terrorists whenever I need fuel. I just get it from them one second earlier every time I need it!”
“But what about the environment?”
“The environment’s fine,” said Jules Verne with a wave. “Don’t you know that nuclear is clean? Cows pollute a lot more than nuclear-powered cars do.”
The reporters decided California’s emissions inspection office might be interested in weighing in on Jules Brown’s argument. They returned to the family home the next day with an emissions inspector in tow. As they knocked on the door, the DeLorean peeled out of the driveway and screamed down the residential street.
The DeLorean picked up speed rapidly before flashing out of existence, leaving two parallel lines of fire running up to the point where the vehicle vanished.
After a search warrant was issued, there was no challenge when police officers arrived and knocked on the door.
“Dad’s on a trip to witness the singularity that is about to take place at M.I.T., so there will be no groveling from anyone here today,” said Jules Brown, welcoming the police officers and reporters into the home. “I hope you find incriminating evidence to stop my brother from wasting any more time.”
A scale model of Hill Valley’s downtown, some Van Halen cassettes, and a couple of “Save the Clock Tower” posters were uncovered in Jules Brown’s bedroom. No evidence of peanut butter or plutonium was found.
Joseph Hurtgen and Ryan Hyatt, November 11, 2020
Categories: Science & Technology